I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize