Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
