Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I said "one day" and that day is not today
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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