just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
