ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
