Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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