Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
