i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
