you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
