at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
