JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Randomize
