That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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