he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You smell like stripper and shame
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
