he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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