so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize