It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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