Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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