totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
