All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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