Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
