Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
