The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
