I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
