Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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