whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
