bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
