Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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