Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
