Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
