Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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