Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
