i can't believe i had my finger in that
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
