I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
