you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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