yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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