Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
