I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
