You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize