i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
