You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
