Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
