Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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