Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
