Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
