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I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
