I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
