4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Can Purell be used as lube?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
