I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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