So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize