Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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