Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
