Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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