Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize