Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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