One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
