I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you will always have a special place in my vag
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
