Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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