I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
