she looked like the before picture.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
