The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
