I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
